There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
