He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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