Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
