The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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