Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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