he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
