How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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