Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
