Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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