Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
