I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
