I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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