well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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