I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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