What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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