God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
