how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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