Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
