i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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