she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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