4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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