you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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