Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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