When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
