just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
