Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
