I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
