You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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