peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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