I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
