Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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