I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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