Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
