I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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