I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
