She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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