I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
