my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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