You made me cry and you don't even care
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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