I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
