Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
