I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
