Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Ladies don't puke and tell
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
