my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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