I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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