We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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