I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
