Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
