My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Randomize
