Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Randomize
