yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
